Today I would like to say something about an issue that concerns me deeply. It is the concept of kindness and how – and especially when – it shows up on people. But before I go talking about kindness, lets first define what kindness is exactly.
Kindness is described as the value of being friendly, considerate, and generous (1) – characteristics that describe our interaction with others.
Based on Merriam-Webster dictionary, kindness means, benevolence, favor, mercy, service, courtesy, and grace. An important descriptor of kindness, according to the dictionary, is affection, which essentially is a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something; a tender attachment. Interesting, wouldn’t you say?
Now time for the big question: How often are you kind and gentle to anyone in your everyday life? Think. Also, did your kind gesture involved any kind of cooperation?
Certain studies explain that cooperation emerges as a combination of innate and learned behavior (2). In other words, when we are kind, we act based on our natural tendencies and are in harmony with our human nature. The only difference in various cultures is how this natural tendency is shaped and encouraged by significant others.
Certain qualities play an important role to the presence of cooperation. For example, tolerance determined whether the individuals would cooperate, especially in places were access to services was evenly divided (3)(4). In other words, if everyone gets a same amount and quality of service, then everyone is happy. However, this sense of collaboration changes if dominant personalities are in the room (3). Dominant people disturb the dynamics of a group. For instance, think about a time you sat down with your mates to have a drink, share a platter of tacos and cheese, and a person arrives to join you – who happened to be a friend of a friend. And there you have it! Sooner or later, this person starts monopolizing the conversation – and most possibly invade the platter – creating an unfitting negative mood in the atmosphere.
This is especially true in romantic relationships. Rather than spouses trying to dominate each other, showing kindness works like a “glue” to bring them close. Based on research, kindness and emotional stability in a relationship is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability; it makes the couple feeling cared for, understood and loved (5) . In other words, the more kindness a partner gives, the more they receive in the long term which eventually leads to being kinder to themselves (6).
Besides having the quality of being kind through cooperation, kindness has positive effects on our brain. Dr David Hamilton in his article “Why Kindness is Good for You” stated that by thinking something, affects us at the genetic level. He further notes that when we perform any act of kindness and good will, especially when interpersonal interaction with people is involved, the hormone oxytocin is generated. 
As he described it, this hormone could also be called a “molecule of kindness” and the “cuddle chemical” (7). Research on oxytocin is beginning to show that we are genetically wired to show kindness, commit selfless acts, cooperate, be more generous, and trust the others (7). This hormone also aids in lowering blood pressure and improving the rate of our heart (8) as well as helps improving self-perception and positive social behavior (9).
Other important facts about kindness are that it increases our energy, increases the levels of happiness, leads us live a longer life, increases the reward networks in our brain, and stimulates the production of serotonin (8). At the same time it decreases pain due to the reproduction of endorphins, reduces anxiety by producing less cortisol – the stress hormone, age slower than the average population, and last but not least it fights off depression (8).
There has even been some research linking contemplative accounts of compassion and loving-kindness practices with research from social cognitive neuroscience and social psychology. Specifically, there was an assumption that kindness-based meditation could enhance the neural systems that are related to faster perceptual processes, understanding of another’s affective body state, slower and higher-level perspective-taking, and emotional regulation (10). 
There are many ways to practice kindness. One way is to keep an eye for opportunities that challenge your kindness, such in situations where there are people in need. Become aware when people need a hand about something. Ask twice – just to be sure (11)! A sense of community is created wherever there is kindness (1).
So, start off your day by being kind firstly to yourself, and then to others. Don’t forget to start off with a smile; its there where it all begins. A kind word, holding the door to someone, help a stranger carry a heavy load, an honest compliment, sharing homemade food, refusing to gossip, becoming mindful and considerate of one’s joy, and giving honest and true affection are all forms of kindness. Appreciate kindness in your life, and sooner or later you will feel grateful, pleased, and a better person!
References
1. Hall, Karyn. The Importance of Kindness. Psychology Today. [Online] [Cited: December 21, 2018.] https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/pieces-mind/201712/the-importance-kindness.
2. Tomasello, Michael. [Online] [Cited: Deember 19, 2018.] https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/why-we-cooperate.
3. The psychology of primate cooperation and competition: a call for realigning research agendas. Schmelz, M. and Call, J. 1686, s.l. : Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 2016, Vol. 371.
4. Engineering cooperation in chimpanzees: tolerance constraints on cooperation. AP, Melis, B, Hare and M., Tomasello. 2006, Anim. Behav. , Vol. 72, pp. 275–286.
5. Smith, Emily Esfahani. Health. Masters of Love. Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity. The Atlantic. [Online] June 12, 2014. [Cited: December 22, 2018.] https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/.
6. Cooperative behavior cascades in human social networks. Fowler, J. H. and Christakis, N. A. s.l. : Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 200913149, 2010.
7. Why kindness is good for you. Hamilton, D. R. London : Hay House, 2010.
8. Random Acts of Kindness. [Online] [Cited: December 21, 2018.] https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/the-science-of-kindness.
9. Acute intranasal oxytocin improves positive self-perceptions of personality. Cardoso, C., Ellenbogen, M. A. and Linnen, A. M. 4, 2012, Psychopharmacology, Vol. 220, pp. 741-749.
10. The neural mediators of kindness-based meditation: a theoretical model. Mascaro, J. S., et al. 109, 2015, Frontiers in psychology, Vol. 6.
11. Time to change. Let’s end mental health discrimination. [Online] [Cited: December 22, 2018.] https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/asktwice
Dear Michalis Khalil,
We enjoyed your article very much and agree with you completely that kindness is so helpful and can even change our brain. We have one addition and that is the point of enough.
Some people never can get enough and so as kind as we are to them they want more, and it’s not related to how much other people get. Even if everybody gets the same amount, it is not enough for them. We think it is because they never got enough as babies and so are continually trying to get more and more.
So let’s be kind to them and have compassion.
Dear Dr Eleanor and Joanne, thank you for your comments on my article and I am glad you liked it.
Indeed I agree that the point of enough is a crucial point to consider. It could feel like a bottomless pit that it never touches ground, regardless of all the kind actions one could give. Perhaps setting limited boundaries during one’s upbringing is one factor that contributes to this. Nevertheless, let’s be kind to all people, and show empathy and understanding. Everyone has their own story that consciously or unconsciously drive their actions. Let’s embrace our uniqueness and create a sense of community and belonging, by being kind both to ourselves and others.
An excellent case for becoming more kind to our fellow human beings. The key to empathy is being mindful when interacting with a person. It helps us remember that we are all involved in significant struggles to make a life.
Many thanks for your comment Dr. Coates.
Being mindful when interacting with a person and, indeed, having in mind the person as an individual with his/her emotional struggles, is the ideal communication. Unfortunately, this is quite rare nowadays, with people hearing but not listening, and judging with only limited facts. Empathy and mindfulness in our interaction is the way to be kinder towards our self and others, and ultimately live a psychologically healthier life.